Mind Holiday

For most of my life, I have sat down and read a chapter or two of a book every day. Now I can’t remember the last time I picked up a book that wasn’t for the kids. Life got so full of responsibility and obligation that reading for pleasure suddenly seemed like an unproductive use of my time.

Sometimes, I’d walk past my bookshelf and my fingers would wander over the spines of my favourite worlds. I’d be hit with a pang of twofold guilt; the guilt of neglecting Fitz-Chivalry and his Fool, and the guilt of more important responsibilities that loomed over me while I selfishly contemplated reading.  When did I stop allowing myself to have free time? When did I let mother’s guilt become so all encompassing? I often find myself saying, “I need a holiday from my mind.” But that’s exactly what reading is. It’s brilliant.

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A few of my favourite things.

I had a moment in my kitchen today, when I looked around and didn’t know what I was there for.  The laundry was done. Dishes? Done. Beds were made, rooms were tidy, so what was I meant to be doing? A little voice inside me squeaked, “Read a book!” I heard it, it was quiet, but I heard it. I drowned it out with a louder voice that boomed, “DO SOME BAKING! START DINNER NOW! COOK EXTRA FOR THE FREEZER!” So now we have chocolate slice, cinnamon buns and three days worth of dinners. Which is great, but I could have made myself a cup and tea, put my feet up and read a book. How delicious does that sound?!

I’ve decided I’m going to make time to read. I even went to the library and chose three books. It wasn’t until I got home that I realised I’d fucked up. All three books were chosen because they relate to something I want to achieve. I was suppose to get lost in a world of fiction, instead I came away with “Rewire Your Overanxious Brain”, “The Power of Negative Emotion” and “The $50 Weekly Shop”.  Not exactly light reading, but it’s a start.

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Catharsis

My head isn’t in the best of places today, but it’s probably just necessary to work out the kinks (although, some kinks I’m happy to keep ). It’s 1.30pm, and I’ve only just gotten out of bed, but today isn’t for pressure, today is for catharsis and for planning. My house is a mess, but fuck it. I don’t need to impress anyone today.

Today my plans include, sitting and crying; laying on the couch playing games on my phone; writing a list of small goals and a plan on how to achieve them; drinking lots of water; cat and rat cuddles (not at the same time); mindless drawing; walk on the beach.

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I need to stop trying to be what other people want me to be. I was me for a little while there, and I’m going to get that back. I need to stop feeling guilty for not being good enough, strong enough, generous enough, pretty enough. Changes are coming.

Making Fruit Less Healthy And The Benefits Of Sleeping With Socrates

This morning I struggled to get out of bed. It was so tempting to just sink into feeling sorry for myself and just shouting out to the kids whenever I heard them fighting. But eventually I hauled my arse off to the shower.

This morning I struggled to get out of the shower. It was so tempting to lock the door and stay under the nice warm water forever. But I forced my way out into the chilly morning air and made myself a cup of tea, sat on the couch and cuddled up under a blanket with my son.

This morning I struggled to get off the couch. My baby boy gives the best cuddles and I could have easily drifted off to sleep again. But instead I wrote myself a list of things I wanted to get done.

And I kicked its butt. I didn’t even cry once.

I worked my way through a good chunk of laundry. I sorted out my daughters toy box so that it would fit back under the bed. I cleaned an alarming amount of mold off my bedroom walls and on the bottom of my blanket chest. I rearranged the bedroom furniture so that I could fit a computer desk in there in order to get Mr. Flatmate’s computer off my dining table. I made 5 jars of delicious kiwifruit jam, 1 big jar of lemon curd and a heavenly apple and kiwifruit crumble. Then I cooked a tasty chicken curry for dinner.

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It’s called KiwiFRUIT. A kiwi is a bird and you shouldn’t make jam with them.

It’s such a relief to have a motivated day, even if it did have a slow start. I feel tired, but also accomplished. It’s going to be an early night for me tonight, so I can kick tomorrow’s arse as well.

I’ve been trying hard to pull myself out of my slump without success. However, last weekend, I spent an enlightening night with a modern-day Socrates, who is as sexy in mind as he is in body. He helped me to see things from a different perspective. I don’t have his magical way with words, so I won’t try to explain, but his outlook on life has helped and that is what matters. I’m not trying to say that I’ve had a massive breakthrough and will never be depressed again, but I’ve got somewhere practical to begin moving forward.