Achievement Unlocked

An Oxymoron

An Oxymoron

Many times throughout my life, neon signs in my frontal lobe have flashed the words “I need to sort my shit out”.

In the past, this thought has often been prompted by a particularly brutal session of binge drinking, and/or waking up next to an ex boyfriend.  Today, this thought raised it’s ugly head again today, but only in regards to the growing pile of laundry that needs folding.

Could it be that I’m finally an adult!?

I will meditate on this further while I sit on Mount Washmore in my panda onesie and watch South Park with a bag of Doritos.


The Bitch is Back

When I was younger and dealing with some pretty hideous mental issues, I was a bitch. Being broken on the inside, meant that I over compensated on the outside. I would fly off the handle seemly at random. I had a reputation for being a bit of a psycho, it was ugly. But it wasn’t all bad. I stood up for myself back then. I wasn’t afraid to push back when being treated badly. I never said yes when I wanted to say no.

Crazy Bitch

Crazy Bitch

Somewhere along the way, I changed. Not to something better, just different. My self esteem tumbled and my depression evolved into something new. I didn’t over compensate anymore, I just hid. People liked me better, I was easier to deal with when I sat quietly in the corner hoping that no one would talk to me. The world got scary and I became afraid of confrontation. I was so weak that I didn’t even have the resolve to stop Jehovah’s Witnesses from pushing their way into my home. I once sat at my dining table for two hours trying to think of a way to politely kick them out. If someone appeared aggressive toward me I would feel trapped and panicked. If my husband came home angry, I felt nervous and sick. If he was angry with me, I trembled and avoided him, even though I had no rational reason to fear him.

Bitch with deep inner turmoil.

Bitch with deep inner turmoil.

Even after I became well, I was still weak. Years of passiveness had made me easy to push around and quick to concede to the wants of others. Since embracing singledom, a new dawn appears to have broken on the persona of Jenny. In an unexpected twist, it appears that my inner-bitch is coming back to the surface where she belongs. I find myself more able to assert myself. In the last few months I have begun to confront people when I previously would have turned a blind eye. Not in a crazy bag-lady ranting way, but in a “how dare you hurt that child,” way, and a “just because you’re an asshole doesn’t mean I have to put up with your shit”, way, and a “how would like to be chained to a fence and starved you sick cunt,” way.

Ok, so out of context, that last one sounds pretty psycho, but at the time it was appropriate. I swear I’m not just yelling random threats at people who displease me. I’ve come a long way from 15 months ago, when I had to throw a bunch of Lorazepam down my gullet simply to be able to speak to the deputy principal at my daughters school about bullying concerns.

Long live the Bitch!

Everyone is Sick and I’m an Unhelpful Psychic

Why can’t children just be healthy?! I’m over the colds and flus and stomach upsets that are constantly tearing through my household. I’ve basically been unable to work for a week and half due to illness, none of which was my own. This is unpaid time off as well, so things are getting a bit dire. On top of all that, Kranky cat has some expensive surgery to remove a tumour from her ear this week. Thankfully Ex came to the rescue and helped with a big chuck of the cost, and some lovely people bought jewellery and tutorials as part of my Kranky Sale, so I don’t have to start turning tricks just yet.

Post-op drugs....gooood....

Post-op drugs….gooood….

I’ve told my kids that the only way they’re getting out of going to school tomorrow is if they have a temperature of 45 C, in which case, I’ll drop them off at the hospital before I go to work. Lets hope my sarcastic comment doesn’t turn in to some kinds of terrible premonition, because as it turns out, I’m slightly psychic.

It’s true, I have a gift. I had a genuine, prophetic dream. I can’t honestly recall what the dream was about, but I remember that in the dream, somebody gave me two cans of Steinlarger beer. But not just any Steinlager – it was Steinlager in a WHITE CAN. I woke up and thought to myself, “Steinlager doesn’t come in cans”. I’ve since found out that it does come in cans, I just don’t know anything about beer. Not only that, but apparently it use to come in white cans (I had no idea!). That morning, I opened the local newspaper to find out that Steinlager are bringing back the white cans! OMG!!



I’m not really sure why this is exciting, but they’re actually selling tickets to a “White Can Opening Day” event. I wish I had dreamed something useful, like how to stop kids getting sick, or where lost people are but, whatever…

If you look closely, “WE BELIEVE” is written on the can, it’s a sign, ya’ll. The newspaper told me it was something to do with the All Blacks’ World Cup effort, but we know the truth, don’t we? The Universe is speaking to me through cans of beer.

So there you have it folks, I’m a psychic and New Zealand is so dull that beer can colours is newsworthy.