The Thing

In many ways, this has been the best year of my life. I’ve become independent after the end of a 12 year relationship. I bought my own home with the help of some amazingly helpful and kind people. I’ve ensured that my children are happy and emotionally secure in their relationships with both parents. I’ve reconnected with my own needs and desires. I have begun to socialise again… a bit… baby steps. I have seen the best and worst in people. I have learned that I’m just fine the way I am.

Sometimes I’m scared. Overwhelmed. I feel like I’m losing grip. I’m juggling chainsaws and I’ve always been pretty clumsy. That’s okay. I’ve juggled chainsaws before and cut myself stem to stern, but I’m still here. The world didn’t end, and it’s not going to end it I fuck it all up now.

Not that I’m in the habit of fucking everything up, but sometimes shit happens. And it sure seems the be happening a lot lately. Without going in to specifics which could cause me a world of trouble, lets just say,  I said a thing.

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Much like myself, the Gummi family never saw the danger that was closing in on them. Photo credit: Giulia Van Pelt

The thing was agreed upon until the thing happened, then it was no longer agreed upon, but it was too late. I was then accused of not saying the thing at all and just doing the thing without permission.

I’m all like, “what the fuck, dude, I totally said the thing!”

The other is all like “Nope, you never said the thing and now you’re going to be punished for doing the thing.”

I’m thinking,”are you fucking serious? I totally said the thing, people heard me say the thing, the thing was written down, you knew about the thing, you said yes to the thing!”

And they say, “Ok yeah, you said the thing, but you didn’t get another thing to do the other thing that needed doing.”

Then I’m all “whoa, whoa, that’s not my responsibility, whose running this thing?”

And they’re all “Well, what you say doesn’t matter because this is the thing that’s happening now and there ain’t jack you can do about it because I’m yelling and yelling wins arguments.”

And I’m just like, “What the fuck just happened?”

And that was my day today. The End.

Sexy Hands

I met a man. He’s funny, kind, sexy, tattooed (omigosh, tattooed haaaannds), we have tons in common and we even share the same warped sense of humour and geeky love of puns. Ok, my sense of humour might be a little sicker. Thing is, due to circumstances beyond our control, a relationship is off the table. This makes me a little sad at times, the idea that it’s probably never going to be an option.  But I’m a practical person, and I can see that it wouldn’t work as things are right now. To pursue it now would only end in bitterness and frustration.

If I’m entirely honest with myself, and these days I mostly am, I don’t want a serious relationship with anyone. Sure, sometimes I’m lonely. Sometimes I wish I had someone to cuddle. Someone to talk to. Someone to text when something funny or awful happens. Someone to fuck. What I don’t want, is to share my living space day in and day out. Someone to fight with about who has to do the dishes. Someone to disagree with about parenting with. Someone to get irritated with me when I’m sick and whiny, or PMSing. I’m not prepared to commit to the mundane parts that make up day to day life in a romantic union.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I want a best friend. A cuddly best friend. A cuddly, tasty, best friend who I can have great sex with and leaves me floating on my afterglow cloud of happiness. And that’s what I’ve got, at least for now.

The physical manifestation of my afterglow cloud.

The physical manifestation of my afterglow cloud.

I’m not naïve, I know that eventually Sexy Hands will meet someone and our time will be over, but I’m happy that I’ll be able to look back on it as a time in my life where I was content. A time when someone good helped me learn to kinda sorta like myself, and showed me that it’s possible for someone to like and care about me the way I am. That just maybe I am good enough. I hope that we can remain friends after it’s all over, but I’m realistic too. What woman in her right mind would let her partner hang out with his old Slam Piece? If he found a woman that open minded, I might be tempted to try and get in on that action myself.

Maybe this will last only another week, maybe a year, either way, it’s been time well spent. One can never tell what the future might hold, which is why it’s important to enjoy right now. You can’t control tomorrow. Put your energy in to enjoying today and caring about the people worth caring about.

24 Hour Depression And Why It’s Not All Bad

*Written earlier in the day, feeling much better now, think it’s passed*
My mood is fragile today. A thing happened that shook my confidence and I feel worthless and unappreciated. My empathy levels are too high and the struggles of others are tearing at my soul. Some of the time I feel pulled, stretched and taut. Other times I feel limp and empty. And tired, always tired. I thought my post winter depression was over. This feels like a one day-er. They happen now and then. A day of stupidity, to interrupt the usual flow of life. I don’t mind one day trips into the abyss, they’re a good reminder that I no longer spend months at a time there. That’s a blessing.

Today I’m incapable of being productive.

“Depression” by Mary Locke

I’m craving human contact and comfort, but a noisy part of my brain I telling me that I don’t get that anymore now that I’m single. This is a stupid thought because, in reality, I never got that when I was married either. I’ve gone too long without affection from an adult human and I feel like a dog thats been left chained to a fence and neglected. That noisy part of my brain also likes to tell me that I don’t deserve the affection I want/need, and that makes me feel a little sick.

I recently met a new friend who is affectionate and tells me nice things about myself. My mind struggles with the idea that someone thinks these things about me, and wants to spend time with me, and so I came to realise that my self esteem is still incredibly fractured, beyond what I thought it was. I’m grateful to this person for making me aware that my self-image is skewed, and also for giving me the gift of feeling good about myself during the rare moments we are in each others company. To find a friend who is a kind and genuine person, around whom you can be completely yourself, is rare. It’s nice to know that my naive faith in the goodness of humanity isn’t entirely misguided.

I know myself and my depression so well now, I know I will be better tomorrow.