So You’re Having a Panic Attack… an Idiot’s Guide

Blogging is all about lists these days, and all the cool kids are doing it. The internet has turned everything thing into a countdown, which I personally feel is a reflection of the dumbing down of society. Modern man can no longer deal with reading an article with complicated paragraphs without numbers to guide them. How can one be expected to understand the tone of an item without a fancy-pants .gif of Jennifer Lawerence pulling an appropriate facial expression? Give it time, and before you know it, the evening news will just be some guy pointing at a car accident with a shocked expression to convey that it is bad news. In light of this trend, I thought I’d create my own list, because why not?

Things to do when you’re having a panic attack

1. DON’T PANIC!
This is honestly the only way to stop your panic attack. If this doesn’t work, try the following steps.

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2. Rock
Repetitive movement soothes the frayed edges of sanity.

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3. Drugs?
Marijuana, Lorazepam, Valium, Heroin. Stay away from amphetamines though, that is going to make things much much worse.

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4. Escape into the Void
My favourite escapes are hiding under a blanket, or hiding under my hair in a cold shower. Note: To maximise the effectiveness of this step, combine with steps 2 and 3.

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5. Hug an Animal
Preferably a dog. Cat’s tend to be indifferent to your suffering, but dogs have a lot of empathy. Maybe don’t go and approach a strange dog for hugs when you’re jittery though.

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6. Quit your job
Because if there was ever a time for rash decision making, it’s now!

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7. Clean
Clean like your life depends on it, because it does. Your home is full of mold spores and bacteria just waiting to kill you and your family.

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8. Stalk a Celebrity
Make your favourite celebrity’s life a misery by constantly following and harassing them. This way, your life will seem less awful by comparison.

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9. Redecorate
Strip the wallpaper, burn the curtains, discard the worldly possessions that imprison you. Now rack up your credit card debt buying all new shit. Make sure you buy it all online though, so you don’t have to leave your house.

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10. Plan a large formal dinner party
If television has taught me anything, it’s that to conquer a fear, you have to face it head on. Invite everyone you know, including your kids school teachers and your in-laws. Promise everyone a seven course meal and create it using only what you have in your kitchen. Try to avoid suicide. If you survive this, you’re going to be okay. I promise.

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Just so we’re clear…. This post is intended to be satire. If you are offended in anyway, please do us all a favour and fuck off.

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