*Written earlier in the day, feeling much better now, think it’s passed*
My mood is fragile today. A thing happened that shook my confidence and I feel worthless and unappreciated. My empathy levels are too high and the struggles of others are tearing at my soul. Some of the time I feel pulled, stretched and taut. Other times I feel limp and empty. And tired, always tired. I thought my post winter depression was over. This feels like a one day-er. They happen now and then. A day of stupidity, to interrupt the usual flow of life. I don’t mind one day trips into the abyss, they’re a good reminder that I no longer spend months at a time there. That’s a blessing.
Today I’m incapable of being productive.
I’m craving human contact and comfort, but a noisy part of my brain I telling me that I don’t get that anymore now that I’m single. This is a stupid thought because, in reality, I never got that when I was married either. I’ve gone too long without affection from an adult human and I feel like a dog thats been left chained to a fence and neglected. That noisy part of my brain also likes to tell me that I don’t deserve the affection I want/need, and that makes me feel a little sick.
I recently met a new friend who is affectionate and tells me nice things about myself. My mind struggles with the idea that someone thinks these things about me, and wants to spend time with me, and so I came to realise that my self esteem is still incredibly fractured, beyond what I thought it was. I’m grateful to this person for making me aware that my self-image is skewed, and also for giving me the gift of feeling good about myself during the rare moments we are in each others company. To find a friend who is a kind and genuine person, around whom you can be completely yourself, is rare. It’s nice to know that my naive faith in the goodness of humanity isn’t entirely misguided.
I know myself and my depression so well now, I know I will be better tomorrow.