When I was younger and dealing with some pretty hideous mental issues, I was a bitch. Being broken on the inside, meant that I over compensated on the outside. I would fly off the handle seemly at random. I had a reputation for being a bit of a psycho, it was ugly. But it wasn’t all bad. I stood up for myself back then. I wasn’t afraid to push back when being treated badly. I never said yes when I wanted to say no.
Somewhere along the way, I changed. Not to something better, just different. My self esteem tumbled and my depression evolved into something new. I didn’t over compensate anymore, I just hid. People liked me better, I was easier to deal with when I sat quietly in the corner hoping that no one would talk to me. The world got scary and I became afraid of confrontation. I was so weak that I didn’t even have the resolve to stop Jehovah’s Witnesses from pushing their way into my home. I once sat at my dining table for two hours trying to think of a way to politely kick them out. If someone appeared aggressive toward me I would feel trapped and panicked. If my husband came home angry, I felt nervous and sick. If he was angry with me, I trembled and avoided him, even though I had no rational reason to fear him.
Even after I became well, I was still weak. Years of passiveness had made me easy to push around and quick to concede to the wants of others. Since embracing singledom, a new dawn appears to have broken on the persona of Jenny. In an unexpected twist, it appears that my inner-bitch is coming back to the surface where she belongs. I find myself more able to assert myself. In the last few months I have begun to confront people when I previously would have turned a blind eye. Not in a crazy bag-lady ranting way, but in a “how dare you hurt that child,” way, and a “just because you’re an asshole doesn’t mean I have to put up with your shit”, way, and a “how would like to be chained to a fence and starved you sick cunt,” way.
Ok, so out of context, that last one sounds pretty psycho, but at the time it was appropriate. I swear I’m not just yelling random threats at people who displease me. I’ve come a long way from 15 months ago, when I had to throw a bunch of Lorazepam down my gullet simply to be able to speak to the deputy principal at my daughters school about bullying concerns.
Long live the Bitch!